Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
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In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I’m sure it’s fine.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Cndnsd Mlk
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.