Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
You Might Also Like
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started