Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
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Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time