My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
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Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
I was bored.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
buys donuts instead
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done