Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
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thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.