The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
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The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
The news
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?