Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
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A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.