A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
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ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Nose
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Huge, if true.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
a god among men
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……