[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
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Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.