Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
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How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
my friends when i can’t do basic math
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish