If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
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Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s