Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
You Might Also Like
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
#Caturday
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.