It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
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Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I’m literally crying
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
2 years later
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
How I like cutting carbs
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?