When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
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Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.