When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
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Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
it’s the silliest best thing
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
The point of your 20s
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?