MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
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Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Meanwhile in Canada…
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.