*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
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the composer
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.