my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
You Might Also Like
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
lmao
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.