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Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
can’t catch a break
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season