Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
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Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Still laughing at this stupid meme
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive