And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
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*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
when mom throws a party…
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
I’m not wrong
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!