I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
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Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Whoa 😂
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Called it
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??