[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
You Might Also Like
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
pat pat
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle