“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
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“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
cat vs inanimate object
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.