Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
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Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
this is 10/10 content no notes
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Before crowbars crows drank alone
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.