slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
You Might Also Like
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Cndnsd Mlk
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Risking my life for fun.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.