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[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Most fashion shows these days…
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT