Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
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‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?