Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
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{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.