It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
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Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
People buying plungers never look happy.
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”