Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
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Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad