I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
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*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
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“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?