“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
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Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Support your local cemetery
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?