Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
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Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
March 16
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.