New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
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CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
my favorite genre of twitter
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.