*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
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Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.