My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
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How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
The little toadstool has spoken.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
thank god the sign was there
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG