I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
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Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon