“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
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Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.