You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
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“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”