Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
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I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.