Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
You Might Also Like
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
WHY?!
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Meow
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.