Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
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Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
secret recipe
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
A game married people play.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it