Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
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Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Jogging
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle