As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
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I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
ready to be harvested
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.