dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
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Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti