More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
You Might Also Like
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses