Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
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I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
choose your gary
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
The funk soul brother
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!