If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
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Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single