I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
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interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
I triple waxed for this?
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Guilty! 🤪